Max (Nathan Lane): I'm drowning! I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I...I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farm house. And I white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex -- Rex, stop it! -- I see my mother, standing in the back porch in a worn but clean gingham gown. And she's calling out to me..."Alvin! Don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alvin! Alvin! Al--" Wait a minute, my name's not Alvin. That's not my life! I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx! Leo's taken everything, even my past!
Max: So, you're an accountant, huh?
Leo: Yes, I am.
Max: So account for yourself! You believe in God? You believe in gold? Why were you looking up old ladies dresses? Bit of a pervert, are you? (Leo gasps in horror) Nevermind, nevermind; do the books, they're over there in that desk, top drawer, I'll take your coat.
Leo: Thank you
Max: You're welcome. (stops before hanging up coat, then throws it down) How dare you condemn me without knowing all the facts!
Leo: Mr. Bialystock…
Max: (interrupting) Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation! How humiliating. Max Bialystock! Max Bialystock! You know who I used to be? Max Bialystock! King of Broadway! Six shows running at once! Lunch at Del Monaco's, $200 suits. You see this? This once held a pearl as big as your eye!… Look at me now. Look at me now! I'm wearing a cardboard belt! I used to have thousands of investors begging, pleading to put their money into a Max Bialystock production. Look at my investors now… voila! Hundreds of little old ladies stopping at Max Bialystock's office to grab a last thrill on their way to the cemetery! (pause) You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect… one...two... Do the books, do the books.
Leo: I appreciate that sir.
Max: Windows so filthy you can't tell if it's day or night out there. THAT'S IT BABY! WHEN YOU'VE GOT IT, FLAUNT IT FLAUNT It!
Bloom: I would like to say something your honor, not on my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock....your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Max Bialystock is the most selfish man I ever met in my life...Not only is he liar, and a cheat and a scoundrel, and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, he has also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never in a thousand years had dreamed of doing. But, your honor, as I understand it the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, whom has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was.... this man.... no one ever called me Leo before. I mean, I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten they used to call me Bloom. I never sang a song before. I mean with someone else, I never sang a song with someone else before. This man.... this man... this is a wonderful man. He made me what I am today...he did. And what of the dear ladies? What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock, who made them feel young, and attractive, and wanted again. That's all I have to say.
Franz: You know, not many people knew it, but the Führer was a terrific dancer.
Max: Really? I never dreamed that...
Franz: (now shouting with rage) That is because you were taken in by that verdammte Allied propaganda! Such filthy lies! They told lies! But nobody ever said a bad word about Winston Churchill, did they? No! "Win with Winnie!" Churchill! With his cigars, with his brandy. And his ROTTEN painting! Rotten! Hitler, THERE was a painter! He count paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! TWO COATS! Churchill. He couldn't even say "Nazi". He would say "Nooooozeeehz, Nooooozeeehz!" It wasn't NOSES, it was NAZIS! Churchill!
Max: Exactly why...
Franz: Let me tell you THIS! And you're hearing this straight from the horse - Hitler was better looking than Churchill. He was a better dresser than Churchill. He had more hair! He told funnier jokes! And he could dance the PANTS off of Churchill!
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