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Albert Peterson: "Don't 'but - Albert' me, Rose! You are merely woman. I am man! Woman's job is to obey and keep the house clean! And speak only when she is spoke to! And my first command, woman, is for you to get our bags and be down at the station by six-thirty tomorrow morning...when I intend to be there with Conrad! And I further command you to bring whatever legal documents are necessary because I intend on making you Mrs. Albert Peterson by 2400 hours tomorrow! Roger, over, and out!
...Rose, did I mention I loved you?"
Mae Peterson: "...So it's come at last! At last it's come! The day I knew would come at least has come at last! My sonnyboy doesn't need me anymore. Well, what are you waiting for? Get rid of me!
Put me out with the garbage! Just throw me out with the used grapefruits and the empty cans from the Bumble-Bee salmon. Never mind putting a lid on. Leave it open so a hundred thousand pussycats can walk all over a Mother. And by the way, sweetheart darling, I got some good news for you. I got the report from the hospital. It's absolutely definite. I got a condition. And the one thing doctors can't cure is a condition. I don't want you to worry though. Fancy funerals are for rich people. I don't want you to spend a cent. Just wait til Mothers' Day, wrap me in a flag, and dump me in the river!
Well. I feel better now. Everything is as it should be. A mother is lying on top of a sanitation truck bound for the City Dump, and a son is running around in saloons with a Mexicali Rose who came over for the fruit picking season and stayed to ruin an American woman's life!!"
Mr. MacAfee: "...I have tried to run this house on a democratic basis. I have extended the privilege of self-determination to both the woman I have married, and the children I have sired...The vote has been denied no one for reason of age, sex, or political affiliation. There has been no taxation without representation, and open covenants have been openly arrived at!
Last night I gave up my room to a guest who repeatedly referred to me as 'Fats'. Telephone calls were made on my phone to New York, Chicago, Fairbanks Alaska, and Hong Kong. I slept in a camp cot with my feet in the fireplace and my head in an ashtray. Ourside my window three harpies shrieked 'We Love You Conrad' four thousand seven hundred and twenty-three times!...I have just lost two fried eggs.
...Gentlemen, the democracy is over! Parliament has been dissolved; the Magna Carta is revoked, and Nero is back in town. And you don't offer an emperor a warm Seven-Up!!"
URSULA:
"...Kim MacAfee, what do you mean you’re resigning from the Fan Club? I mean just be cause Hugo Peabody gave you his pin doesn’t mean you have to retire from all social life! Going steady is very important but there are some things more important than very im portant and the Conrad Birdie Fan Club is one of them. I mean, after all, where else can we girls gather together to worship that wonderful creature? I mean, do you realize what you’d be giving up? You’re giving up the scream? You mean when Conrad Birdie sings, on television, you’re not going AhAhAhAh... AAAAAA?!?"
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