I have never had a bad acting teacher. I mean, to date, I've only really had four, but they've all been excellent. When I try to think of something I don't like about them, I only come up with stuff that was beneficial to me in the long run (mostly pushing me to places I emotionally did not want to go.) One of the four is the one I have now, and I must say that she is totally awesome.
For two of my classes, Method Acting and Power of Play, we have to write these weekly audits, documenting our growth for that week and what we expect in the next one. At the end of the questions, there is one that says, "Are you having any problems with your work? Is there any way I can help?" Gennerally, I leave this blank or just write, "No, I'm good, thanks." But for my Method one last week, I decided I was going to ask and see if I recieved. I basically vented about my inability to cry and how I've always been able to before. I ended with, "I don't even know what I was asking, but I figured I'd just use this space and see if you had an answer." And I got one... well, sort of. She asked if I was game to meet up the following week so she could try to help me. We tried to meet on Tuesday, but my schedule suddenly went nuts, so we scheduled a time for Thursday.
I was so, so nervous because I knew that, though I couldn't cry during rehearsal, I was going to during the meeting. And, oh, was I right. I managed to hold myself together for about seven minutes, maybe a few more, but I could feel my mouth trembling in the embarrassing way it always does when I'm about to do some serious crying, and I kept looking around to avoid eye contact. Finally, she said, "It's okay if you cry, you know." I said, "Okay, I'm going to," and burst into tears.
I can't even imagine how people deal with my spastic crying, but Kathryn was amazing and so supportive. It's also nice to be able to talk to someone who sort of knows what I'm talking about. My friends are amazing, but a lot of the time they say, "Just think of something sad, " but it's so much more complicated than that, and I think only an actor can really get that. She offered me a lot of options that I could use, and when I needed clarification, I didn't even have to ask- she could tell by the look on my face. She talked through most of my scenes and my character with me. But in addition to that, she was very nice about what I was afraid of- being fired being on the top of the list. She also told me that this role did not define my future as an actor. "You can still be a great actor even if you can't cry during this show." She is so awesome. I was there for about an hour and spent most of the time crying.
After the meeting, I felt like I wanted to cry forever, but I was still afraid I wouldn't be able to do it at rehearsal. What I've been experiencing is that, no matter how much I get myself into the mood before I go, or on the drive there, as soon as I enter the theatre, it's gone. Kathryn and a few other people have said it's because I am putting so much pressure on myself to do it- especially since it's the biggest show I've ever done. One of Kathryn's peices of advice was that I should give myself permission not to. I decided you try that, just to see what would happen.
Act II is the big crying act. While I have to do a lot in each, I have my biggest scene in Act II, and I am desperate to do it well. Even though I had given myself permission not to cry, I still completely tensed up before the scene. When Leigh said her cue line, I did have to fake it for about ten seconds. I think I've mentioned before that my fake crying sounds real, so I just did a lot of gasping and "sobbing" until I stopped sounding real and transitioned into my completely fake-sounding real crying. It was amazing. Kathryn had mentioned that in one show she was in, she found that if she got into crying, she could just nudge it a little and that would be that. And that worked for me. Once I got started, I just turned it up a little bit, and in a few seconds later, I had tears rolling down my face and I was crying too much to speak one of my lines. All I could think was "HOLY CRAP, THANK THE LORD!"
I was hoping that Tom wouldn't stop and have us go back to a certain part in the scene, like he usually does. But I think he knew it would throw me (God, I'm making actors sound so insane... trust me, it's just me), and he let us get through the entire thing. And then after he said, "And, blackout," he said, "Good job, Rachel." It felt like the highest praise I have ever gotten. I have also never felt so relieved.
Last night, I knew I'd have to do it again, and I was panicking. While I had done it the night before, I had still been feeling teary from the meeting- but now I didn't have that. As the scene (which is my first in Act II) approached, I started freaking out. I was pacing back and forth backstage, and when I heard my cue, I was like, "It's not gonna happen." To my relief, it happened just the way it had the night before- a few seconds of faking and nudging it along, and I was where I needed to be. It helps that Leigh is amazing. We got through the whole scene and I was feeling relieved and proud of myself (and exhausted- both nights, I was so exhausted afterwards)... and then Tom said, "Let's go back to the top of the act." I thought I was going to die. I had to do it again?! So when it came along this time, I was pretty much completely spent. I had to to a lot of faking (but, hey, at least it sounded real), but eventually I cried. Tom stopped us a few times to give us blocking changes. I tend to forget my lines when I'm crying, which is sort of embarassing because I know those paragraphs backwards and forwards.
Tomorrow, I think we're doing it again... I doubt I'll ever stop being nervous before this scene... I get one chance a night to get it right, and that's always scary.
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